Thursday, May 30, 2013


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Letting go of control is extremely hard for me to do. Lately I’ve been feeling this consistent feeling that I need to surrender. Just let go. I’ve been doing a lot of praying and reading and letting myself just think through it all, but I must admit I don’t have the answer yet.  

I’ve lived most of my life trying to control the outcome of any given situation. As I mentioned last weekend, one of my worst traits is that I’m relentless until I get my own way.  

This focus on choosing the outcome I want provides me with a false sense of power. Am I really in control? Am I really able to control my own situation? Or fix the problems of myself and others? 

Despite my best efforts to prove otherwise, I know that the answer is no. I am not able to control every situation in my life.  

Now this point walks a fine line and those who are spiritual might understand my point and those who are not will likely argue it. I believe that I have the free will to make positive decisions and work hard and treat others well and argue my point so that it resonates with someone else. I have the power over my own actions and I can choose to be proactive.  

However, somewhere inside me I keep hearing a gentle reminder that I am not in control of everything. I am both terrified and comforted by this thought—How wonderful to be able to rely on God as a loving and guiding presence in my life but how terrifying to think that I don’t have the ultimate say in what happens to me.  

Whether or not you believe in a higher power, I think we all rationally understand that things can happen in life that we cannot control. It’s easy to think of examples of disease, trauma, death, etc. But it’s not only bad… what about falling in love with someone unexpected, having a child, or being accepted to the school of your dreams. There are myriad beautiful things that happen to us every day without our controlling them. 

I think all these ramblings are to say that I do not have the answers. I do not know how to gently surrender to the will of God while still being proactive in my own choices. But I am working on it.  

I want to be able to let go… trust that though I am not in control, I am being led on a path of unexpected blessings.  

I always tear up when I hear Garth Brooks’ song  Unanswered Prayers. I too thank God that he didn’t grant my prayers to marry (any of) my former crush(es)! And that’s just one example of a disappointment in my life – that I was trying to control – turning into a huge gift! 

What will happen if I let go? The feeling is getting stronger that with patient surrender and proactive choices, I just might find that perfect balance.  

It takes trust, patience, and vulnerability to realize that I’m not in control of every aspect of my life. It also takes a heaping dose of humility.
I’m working on it. J

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